It is true that when someone shows you who they are with their actions, it’s important to believe them. We cannot build secure relationships, support someone navigating recovery, or foster trust based on empty promises and good intentions.
The problem is assuming that inaction always equals a lack of caring.
Phrases like, "If they wanted to, they would," feel protective. It feels like part of the ultimate guide to accountability and boundaries. But when we apply this absolute standard across all human experiences, it completely breaks down.
Human behavior is rarely a simple black and white "they care" vs. "they don't care.” Desire matters, but capacity makes action possible. If someone lacks the skills, resources, safety, or stability, even deep intentions can fall flat.
Thinking in these rigid terms invalidates the real human limitations of burnout, executive dysfunction, anxiety, trauma responses, grief, chronic stress, depression, addiction, just to name a few. And people who live with these limitations sometimes look completely functional to the outside world, which furthers the myth that if they wanted to, they just would. But people can care about themselves and others very much and still not be able to do the thing we want them to or that they know would be beneficial.
When we rely on this way of thinking, we skip right past empathy, grace, compassion, and the context behind someone’s struggles. We can forget to take into account past reliability, patterns, and consistency. This leads to missed opportunities to build secure connection with yourself and others.
This does not mean that your own well being isn’t important. You can recognize that a human is fighting invisible battles that prevent consistent follow through, while also deciding that the dynamic is no longer safe or sustainable for you to stay in.
You are allowed and encouraged to compassionately seek to understand others’ struggles AND set appropriate boundaries.
