The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We’ve all been there… You notice a microscopic shift in someone's energy, a slightly different cadence when they speak, a delayed response, and before you even realize it, your mind has spun a whole web of meaning.

What does it mean? Are they mad? Is everything okay? Am I safe?

When our nervous system leans toward hypervigilance, it hates not knowing what those tiny shifts might mean. It treats ambiguity like danger, which often leads to creating narratives that help us feel more in control of the situation because if we think we know what’s coming, we can plan 15 different ways to protect ourselves. But reacting to the story we told ourselves instead of looking at reality and patterns of behavior keeps us in a chronic state of internal alarm.

And letting go of that hypervigilance can feel genuinely terrifying, because a sneaky part of your brain believes: If I stop scanning, I won't see it coming. If I drop my guard, I'll get blindsided. We accidentally confuse prediction with protection, believing that constant over observing is the only thing keeping us secure.

Underneath the stories we tell ourselves, there’s usually a deeper fear: that whatever we noticed confirms the worst thing we secretly believe about ourselves.

I'm too much. I’m not enough. I don’t matter. I'm a burden. I'm eventually going to be left behind. I’m not worthy of love.

Our brains tell us that if we can just predict the rejection or the conflict before it happens, we can survive it. But trying to outrun your own fears by constantly scanning everyone else's energy is a profoundly exhausting way to live.

The good news? You can interrupt the scan/story loop. Healing isn't about never noticing the tiny shifts. It’s about noticing the loop has started, pausing, recognizing you’re filling in the blanks about some facts with some fiction, and offering your nervous system a little grace when it tries to protect you.

To interrupt the scan/story loop and change your response, try asking yourself, “Is there an actual, physical threat right now?” If the answer is “No,”

• Don’t believe everything your brain tells you.

• Notice that you’ve entered story mode. Even if you’re already on chapter 39, notice it. It’s not too late to respond differently.

• Take a slow, deep breath where your inhale is long, but your exhale is longer - that signals safety to your body.

• Ask yourself, "What is the actual, indisputable evidence for this conclusion, and what is just my brain filling in the blanks?”

• Instead of fighting your hypervigilance, meet it with grace and self-compassion. Acknowledge it by saying, "Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but we are safe in this moment. You can take a break."

• Remind yourself as many times as it takes: I am safe in this moment. I am safe in uncertainty.